Expert Help for Parental Stress and Anxiety
It goes without saying children are a blessing and there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for them. At the same time, the incredible job of raising young humans often comes with a good share of stress and anxiety. Many parents feel overwhelmed with numerous responsibilities and very little social support. Understanding the origin of parenting stress and anxiety and developing a realistic plan to move forward is crucial to managing your mental health and thriving as a modern parent.
Common Sources of Parenting Stress
Competing Responsibilities: We can’t be in two places at once, yet it can feel like our careers and children need us to do exactly that. Juggling work, keeping the house in order, feeding everyone, and taking time for our own self-care and relationships creates pressure. Stress and risks of mental health problems is amplified when we don’t have support or if we’re struggling to keep up financially.
Concerns About Child Development: Worries about your chid’s physical and mental well-being can lead to many hours researching on Google, sacrificing your sleep and creating cycles of rumination and dread. Many parents fear that they are not making the right choices for their child's development, and these fears often increase when children have diagnosed chronic illness, neurodevelopmental delays (eg. ASD, ADHD), behavioral problems, and mental health disorders like separation anxiety or depression.
Societal Expectations: Sometimes cultural norms don’t fit for your child or family. For example, you may choose to educate your child in a non-traditional way because you believe that’s best for them, but stress and anxiety show up when faced with intense scrutiny from the in-laws. Social media provides a distorted view of other people’s family life, and many parents compare themselves and feel they fall short when not living up to “perfect” standards. Comparison can negatively impact mood and increase anxiety with mental preoccupation with parental performance.
Behavioral Challenges: Managing a child's difficult behavior or frequent emotional dysregulation can be stressful. Parents may lack confidence in their ability to respond effectively, and they may face judgment from loved ones and strangers. It’s common for parents to receive conflicting messages about the best approach to behavioral problems, furthering anxiety, stress and exhaustion.
Cultural Concerns: Anxiety about a child’s safety at school due to bullying and violence is a reality for many US parents. Additionally, with the prevalence of phone-based childhoods, many kids and teens consume content that is developmentally inappropriate and parents worry about harmful material. The pressure to protect children from non-normative, inappropriate risks can be very stressful.
Strategies for Managing Parental Stress & Anxiety
Practice Self-Compassion: Acknowledge that it’s normal to experience parenting challenges and that you are not alone in this journey. If your stressors feel out of the range of normal, or your stress makes it difficult to function, professional help may be warranted. Be kind to yourself and recognize that a “good enough” parent is the best kind of parent.
Establish a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, faith community, or parenting groups. Sharing experiences and tips can help alleviate feelings of shame and isolation.
Prioritize Your Holistic Health: Make time for activities that restore mind and body like exercise, nutritious food, hobbies, therapy, and being outdoors. It’s true we need to put our oxygen masks on first. Caring for ourselves directly benefits our children.
Implement Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing or meditation, can help ground into the present moment you when you feel yourself beginning to spiral down a rumination or online research rabbit hole. Mindfulness does not have to involve sitting meditation, walking mindfulness strategies are a better fit for some people.
Set Boundaries: Learn to protect the white space on your calendar by saying no to overcommitments. Consider setting better boundaries on work hours, distracting notifications on your phone, and media consumption to help reduce anxiety and stress.
Seek Professional Help: If parenting stress and anxiety feel like too much to carry on your own, consider reaching out for help.
Parenting can be a deeply spiritual journey filled with joy and challenges. By recognizing the sources of stress and employing intentional coping strategies, we can carve out a more balanced and fulfilling experience with our children.
Perinatal Anxiety and OCD
Your baby benefits when you take care of your mental health. If anxious distress is stealing this precious moment, reach out for sensitive treatment from a licensed therapist experienced in maternal mental health and postpartum issues.
Is it normal to feel postpartum anxiety?
It's normal to feel especially protective of your new baby. Most women who are mothers are naturally focused on their baby's safety and are fierce protectors of their well-being, which is good parenting and a vital skill in keeping vulnerable little humans alive.
Sometimes we may worry excessively, though. We may be overcome with fear and rituals that negatively impact our ability to function during a time when we are required to dig deep and function for two (or more) people. The responsibility can be overwhelming for moms at-risk for depression, anxiety, and OCD.
Get the right professional help for postpartum anxiety
If you're feeling anxious, frozen in fear, or having upsetting thoughts, remember that you're not alone and it's not your fault. If you or your family notice concerning changes in your behavior since having a baby or becoming pregnant, seek help from a professional trained in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. I received my training from Postpartum Support International, DONA’s doula program, and UC San Diego’s lactation counseling program.
If harm OCD themes are present, it’s important to be properly assessed and for the clinician to know the difference between ego-syntonic thoughts of harm versus ego-dystonic thoughts of harm. It’s also essential that the therapist respect your cultural beliefs and practices with regard to social roles and infant care, such as feeding and sleep practices. A therapist should be able to provide referrals to other experts if you have questions about your baby’s development.
Lack of support and risk of perinatal anxiety disorders
I practice from an attachment and developmental lens and realize modern mothers are torn between what our instincts tell us to do and what society tells us to do—usually for the purpose of getting baby to separate from us so we can go back to work. This value conflict can produce intense anxiety and rumination for new moms, especially mothers who don’t have adequate emotional or social support and lack previous experience with babies and parenting.
Mothers may find themselves spiraling about baby being accidentally hurt and they may compromise their own mental and physical health to compulsively check on baby’s breathing. Some moms will develop physical health problems caused by self-neglect because they feel they can’t put baby down at all to take care of their basic needs. These risks increase for mothers who are isolated at home with no helping hands.
Common perinatal experiences of anxiety and OCD
Intrusive thoughts of baby being harmed
Rumination on doing things just right and perfectionism
Unrealistic expectations of infant behavior leading to high self-criticism and “mom guilt”
Difficulty adjusting to new identity and responsibilities
Partners who are unsupportive or who have different parenting styles
Upsetting memories of a traumatic birth or infertility treatments
Rigid societal or familial pressures about infant sleep, feeding, schedules or returning to work
If anxiety and/or obsessive compulsive behavior causes distress or limits your ability to function, it may be time for professional help from a trained clinician. It’s possible to interrupt the cycle of anxious distress so you can reclaim your confidence and begin to experience presence and joy during this tender season. Support for fathers and partners is available.
You’re not alone.
There’s nothing like being responsible for the life of another human. Every single ounce of their safety…every single emotional and physical need is reliant on you. It’s all so primal and raw…You’ve never done this and you’re not sure what’s normal and what’s not.
Common anxiety and OCD symptoms in the postpartum period
Some postpartum moms start seeing germs everywhere. Some forfeit eating and using the bathroom because they can’t tolerate a few seconds of baby outside of their arms. Some new moms obsessively track nursing, striving for exact symmetry on each side. Some ruminate over length of naps and compulsively enter data into an app to scrutinize. Some moms don’t sleep in order to repeatedly check if baby is breathing…If these behaviors cause the mother distress and compromise her ability to function, professional help is warranted.
Why do some moms have anxious distress?
A mother’s heart is prone to worry. Some women are more conscientious and afraid due to temperament, biology, life experiences, and/or social learning. Our ability to anticipate danger is a gift that has helped kept our species alive, but the consequence is we are more at risk of clinical anxiety and mood disorders. Anxiety and depression become more of a risk in fractured modern societies where families are commonly isolated from both practical and emotional support.
Healing and growth
Some postpartum moms want to work with a clinician who has a shared experience of motherhood. While therapy sessions are about you and your needs, I don’t mind sharing that I am also a mother.
You are not alone ♡